Just A Lil’ Bit of Jes’ Mind

Sigh. I finally did it. Sent an email to the musos and to the Pelita leaders.

In as much as i love Obor meetings and organising the music ministry, unfortunately due to my current health condition i need to let it go.  As you might know already, atm i’m still fighting against clinical depression so i couldn’t take much responsibilities and need a lot of rest. Therefore, i’ve decided that starting the 1st of July (it’s just a nice date that i picked - as the second half of the year), i.e. tomorrow, i need to step down from any formal ministry/leadership for at least 6 months until the rest of the year, including from Obor and being the music coordinator. Having said that, i will still serve in music, for not even the darkest night will be able to take away my passion in the gospel reflected in music :p hehe yea i’ll still be playing music or being the singer, but probably not as the main songleader unless really needed.

I’m really encouraged by how you all supporting me by praying for me and sharing the burden, i really appreciate it. I made up my mind about this right after Twist Away, and to be honest i do feel sad leaving the role of music coordinator because it’s something that is very dear to me. But God has been very faithful to me, for He shows me that the music ministry is still in His hands even though i’m not there to help out, proven by how we as music team grows rapidly last semester, much more than i expected - so i’m thankful.

Atm i’m not that sad anymore, actually i’m more excited for the future because i’ve already got some plans for what i’m going to do in my free time for the next 6 months. Attending Twist Away can be said a turning point (or quite a life-changing) for me, as i’ve written in the previous posts.
One of my plans is continuing my vision in seeing more biblical & Christ-centered Indo songs - me and another sister in Christ are meeting up regularly atm, not so much in reading the Bible only, but we decided that we’ll keep translating songs and even write new Indo songs together - we’ve just translated a song yesterday and our next project is writing a song about ‘the Cross’! - yea so we’re very excited about that

Another thing is that i want to focus myself more on informal ministries & building relationships with ppl - something that i’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t due to the responsibilities i had before. I can say i thank God for depression, for somehow it makes me super ultra hyper sensitive toward others who might have experienced the same thing, hence i’m able to help & emphatise with them.

So yeah, i don’t know what the future holds - God is in control. But I believe it’s necessary for me to step down in order to take bigger steps. And i’m content and thankful =)

Oohh i didn’t realise that today is 29th of June already until this late afternoon. Sooo happy!  You might be thinking, why am i so happy??

hahaha it’s because my psyc told me to keep a mood chart rating how i am feeling each day, and according to my mood chart, on the 28th of every month another depression episode occurs. OK - that’s not true, it’s another part of negative thinking called over-generalisation - so far it has only happened twice, i.e. 28th April and 28th May, and 28th April is the first date that i started my mood chart. So i have no record before that. and the fact that it has just happened twice doesn’t mean that it will happen the same way again in the future. Yeah, she’s right, i’m just too anxious/too much worry. The more we think it’ll likely to be happen, the more possible it is going to happen. So better not too over-analysing my condition, and better not to worry about it. And so i didn’t. And so it didn’t happen! I’ve passed the 28th of June, and today is 29th! Which is why i’m so happy: i’ve survived another month! Thank God! Praise the LORD!

Hehehe i think i should reward myself for this, it’s a big achievement and improvement, you know I wonder what should i do?? hehehe.

(well on the other hand, i know i shouldn’t be too happy, because if atm i feel happy and then if a few days or weeks later another episode attacks, then i’ll feel more down again - sighhh what a complicated dog this Doggie is… hahaha) :p

Sun 21/6/09, 8:30pm
Inspired by a talk by CEG @ Gereja Kristen Pelita Sun 21/6/09 entitled All-You-Can-Eat Jesus - Mark 7:24-9:1

It’s a great relief
To be reminded again
That we can be joyful
When we realise
that there is a complete satisfaction in Jesus.

Joy…
joy… ?
What about…
when we don’t feel like it?
when we are tired
from the busyness of life?
when we know that in our head
but seems hard in the heart?

Bleh, if you think that’s hard enough,
i’ve been worse.
All of that is nothing
compared to when the black Doggie comes
Because when he comes
every single joy and happiness
is sucked out of your life
You are cut off from fellowship
you think God is distant
in the land far, far away.
You are spiralling downward
to a black hole in complete darkness
where no one is there.
You try to shout, to cry out
but no one is listening
no one cares.
You are locked in your own prison of mind
can’t control it
think you are crazy.
And even worst,
you are so much in pain,
despair, misery and hopelessness
that life is as if not worth living anymore.
(or at least that’s what he makes you to think).

Now…
Where is joy in all that??

…
…

BUT…
Like the great “BUT” in the Bible
“But God shows his love for us in that
while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us” - Rom.5:8
“But when the fullness of time had come,
God sent forth his Son
to redeem those who were under the law
so that we might receive adoption as sons” - Gal.4:4-5
“But God, being rich in mercy
… by grace you have been saved” - Eph. 2:4

BUT thanks be to God
we have a hope that is unshakeable
we have a certainty that Jesus is for us through the cross
we have a certainty that we are in the kingdom
on Christ the solid rock i can stand
when all other ground is sinking sand
In Christ alone my hope is found

As if that is not enough,
Do you not know
that Jesus is the King of kings?
that he calls you his bride?
that you belong in the kingdom already?
that you have nothing to fear?
that you have access to God anytime, anywhere?
that you have new brothers & sisters and new family?
that you have God’s Word as the bread of life?
that your sins have been forgiven?
that you are able to worship God in the way that pleases him?
that he has given you his Word and you can read it anytime?
that you have guidance?
that your life is not meaningless?
that we have eternal life, that we are not ashamed of?
that Jesus will bring you to glory with him
as we join him in his kingdom when he came back?

And to add my own,
that our citizenship is in heaven?
that we can do all things through him who strengthen us?
that Jesus is our great high priest
who can sympathise with our weakness?
that we are adopted as sons and daughters, not slaves?
that all things work for good, to be like Jesus?
that his grace is sufficient for us,
for his power is made perfect in our weakness?
that we can rejoice in our sufferings,
knowing that suffering -> endurance -> character -> hope?
that in a little while there’ll be no more tears and pain?
that…?
that…?
that…?
(add your own here)
that neither death nor life
nor angels nor rulers, nor present nor future
nor powers nor height nor depth
nor anything else in all creation
will be able to separate us
from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord???

Now THAT is joy!
REAL, TRUE joy!

Regardless of our emotional feeling,
even as we suffer
even when everything else is removed from your life
knowing the certainty that Jesus is for us
knowing the certainty that we belong in the kingdom
makes life worth living again.

THAT is true joy.
THAT is true satisfaction.
that can only be found in Jesus
Jesus Christ, him and him only
In Christ alone my hope is found.

Eventho i learned a lot from Twist, it’s more like a great reminder for me as life goes on i got distracted and forgot about the things of the LORD. However, i’d say that what’s really great from Twist is receiving personal encouragement itself over the course of the weekend. And before I forgot or lose the mood to blog it, better blog it now ^^
I came empty-handed to Twist, I had no expectation at all since it’s very different to the previous ones. And of course, i went back full, more than i expected

You need to understand the context of my life for the last 4 months or so in order to understand what i’m saying. Having to get through the toughest time of my life, coming to Twist is like drinking a fresh water after being thirsty for a loonngg time. I really thank God that i had my last depression episode 2-3 weeks ago, so when I came to Twist i was back to normal and was able to enjoy every single bit of it. Every single bit. Like having a life-changing experience, I’d dare to say, eventho i know atm my mood is up and down so i can’t be really objective with that ^^

So the things i’m encouraged from Twist are:

*The sense of fellowship - because one of the thing that depression causes is makes you feel cut off from the fellowship. So thank God for the people, eventho we’ve just met but it feels like we’ve known each other for a loongg time. And thank God through the similarity that we have, i.e. passion in the gospel reflected in music, i can enjoy the Christian fellowship again. Especially when we had the jamming session on Sat nite, i could just literally have FUN - real FUN with God’s people doing the things that we love  (eventho that came with a price :p)

*Heavenly fellowship reflected here on earth. Like i said before, i love the singing during TWIST. Moreover, this year (i dunno if that’s on purpose or not) the sound of the instruments was a bit lower than usual, but it made us able to be dissolved in the harmony of voices. And knowing that we gathered there centered around Christ and His Words, we were able to express ourselves passionately in music; not the other way round, like some other ppl/conference trying to do.

*Listening to the stories of other Christians musos - how they struggle in their own music ministry. That’s encouraging coz it reminds us that it’s not only us who are struggling, but everyone else since we’re not perfect yet. All we can do is encouraging others to keep persevering In particular, there’s a small congregation that has had no pastor for quite some years. The leaders (whom i met at Twist) are struggling coz they don’t feel growing there and yet still choose to stay for the sake of the people. They have to play the music every week since there’s no one else, while they are also involved in many other ministries. Eventho they are tired and probly to the point of burning out, they still persevere and seems not complaining. Great reminder and rebuke at the same time, that we shouldn’t complain but instead keep persevering knowing that the things that we’re doing is not in vain.

*I realise that we Pelitans have so little experience in playing in a band, hence the skills. Not because other people are greater than us, but just the fact that we can’t have a full-band everyweek so we’re lacking the practice. And so, during the jamming session i was playing the keys as hard as i could coz i’m not used to play in a band. Then someone said to me, “Hey i really like what you did on the piano just then, it just fits smoothly with the song!” - it was really really encouraging

*And with my limited 3-months-only skill in playing the drums, it’s very encouraging how the other band member in “Play A” team were very patient with me - helping me get through every bits of the song Come Hear The Angels Sing and made me realise that i don’t have to play everything all the time ^^

*And last but not least, I was listening to a brother in Christ sharing his vision and goal in the future based on the things that he likes/enjoy. It’s very encouraging because it reminds me of the vision i’ve had in my mind, that was lost in the midst of my depression. Now i feel like i’ve found back my long-lost love of the gospel reflected in music. It was from the whole weekend that i remembered back again how i loved and was very passionate about (the gospel reflected in) music before all this depression thing come. If the Doggie can take away my job promotion, my work performance, my brain, my memory, etc, the only 2 things it can’t take away from me are: Christ who is as strong as a rock refuge for me, and the love of the gospel echoed through music. No, i won’t let him take that away from me either, i’ll keep fighting. In fact, i’ve got a lot of thing in my mind about that already, that it’ll take another post for that

Hahaha yep i’m still gonna ramble about Twist, don’t get bored yet :p it’s because a lot of ppl in my church can’t come, and i still need to let my thoughts out of my head, so sharing what i learn and encouraged from Twist in my blog is a perfect way :p Lessons learnt in this post, encouragements in the next.

Some important lessons i’ve learned:
*As Juddy said: work out from what you’ve got, not what you wish you have. Look around in your church and see the (abundant!) resources He has provided, so start working on those, rather than wishing you have this and that. This is particularly stabbed me as i think we - pelitan musos - often said: oh we only have one keyboard/guitar, we wish we can have full-band every week; oh we don’t have enuf musos/songleaders/drummers; oh the congregation doesn’t know how to sing; oh this and that. Better to say: okay, this week we’ve only got 1 keyboard and 2 singers, so what can we do best to serve God and His people with this? It’s altogether different mindset! Afterall throughout Twist we’ve only got 1 keys, 1 guitar & 2 singers (or even just 1 keys and 1 singer) - and it still worked greatly!

*The cheesecake model of a band: solid base as the foundation (bass), solid frame on the side that holds the cake together (rhythm = drums), cheesy goodness in the middle (majority of the cake = harmony), and the cream and strawberry toppings (the showy bits, often what ppl buy for = melody). Needs to have all of them supporting each other.

*The importance of communication b/w band members in a practice. If we don’t communicate of who’s playing what, we won’t get the complete picture of the cheesecake. And having a band leader is important! anyone who can listen to each instruments and decide what’s worked what’s not.

*Playing less is more! Reminded again that we don’t have to play everything everytime. Good musos is the one who can hold back and know when to play what. Esp with drums, I don’t have to play exactly what the CD is playing, just keep it simple and as long as we’re being consistent, no need great fill-in we’ll be fine

*Last but not least, the Bible talk, such a good reminder. We humans often forget, so coming back to Twist and being reminded again and again that we are serving and directing attention to God and not to our musical skills is just what we always need

*I like the story in 1 Chron.15-16: David brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and only the Levites priests can minister around the ark as God has appointed them special for that purpose - any other than that we can’t messed up with God’s way lest God’s anger burn against us. So what we can do is being obedient to God. Moreover, the priests appointed are all very skillful in the harps, lyres, cymbals, etc; and when the ark enters the city, all celebration and joy and praises rings forth. Mood of celebration and joy is everywhere! Of course the focus is not the skills of the musos, but to God and His presence among His people. And so the challenge is: do our music echo the delight and joy of God? Is our joy that is found in the LORD being reflected in our music? We don’t want emotionless music - we want all other nations can see that our God is great through our music!

Let all the people say: “Amen and praise the LORD!”

Hmm the more i think about it, i tend to reflect my thoughts in poems easier when i’m feeling down or in hard times. It’s easy when we are down to call on God’s name and cry out to him. But when we feel happy, a lot of times we forgot to give thanks to God, or being absorbed in our happiness that we’re forgetting God in the picture…

So that’s why on Sunday morning at TWIST Away last week i took time out just to sit down and relax and enjoying the little things of creations that the Creator has made, likened being absorbed in God’s majestic hands… I don’t know when the Doggie will return, so before he does and takes away my sense of enjoyment, i better stop and enjoy and take pleasure in the little normal things that God provided for us while i can. And it’s worth it

All of this are written in the light of Twist and 1 Chron.15-16 that we’ve been learning there

Thank you, God,
For the opportunities
and the I-don’t-know-how-many-times
that you’ve shown your goodness
and faithfulness
and steadfast love
over and over
and over again.

For the air that we breathe in
for the sounds of the birds of the air
for the rushing melody of the water
for the tickling joy of drops of rain
for the blue sky and green nature
for the bright yellow rays of sunshine
for the sound of music
for the sound of harmony
that send forth noises of joy
and praises and celebration
all rings out of your steadfast love
for your steadfast love endures forever.

For the Ultimate Conductor of the universe
has come inviting us
to join him in the eternal choir
when he come back again
to bring us home with him
forever be in the awe of him

Oh, how we long for that day, LORD!
where no words or songs will ever suffice
to describe the eternal rings of praises
of music
of dances
of joy
of tongues of nations
around the throne of the Lamb

And until that day comes, O Lord,
conduct us to be obedient
to the one and only Audience of One
to follow all his commands
with all our heart and soul and mind
that our music of joy
might ring forth to all corners of the earth
inviting more and more people
to come and join in His marvellous songs!

…

…

Great is Thy faithfulness, O LORD
Great is Thy faithfulness
for your steadfast love endures
forever!

TWIST: The Word In Song Together
A training conference for Christian church musicians

A lot of musos i met at Twist Away 09 last weekend were the first timers to Twist, and their eyes were all widened when I told them i’ve been to Twist for 5 times and still love it so much that i keep on coming back!

Hehehe i guess a lot of reasons why i love Twist so much:

*I just love the singing together, it feels like heaven! You know, singing passionately with hundreds of other Christians who happen to have the same passion in music and really know their stuffs, is really really encouraging. Moreover, we’re all not only singing in tunes, but also in harmony! You don’t get that every week in normal Sunday church!

*I really grow in my understanding of biblical music ministry and the how of doing church music - both theologically and practically over talks and workshops at Twist. And as Christians we need to keep growing in our understanding of the gospel, and especially as Christian musicians i believe one of the thing that we can keep growing in is our skills in music, and Twist can provide both!

*Networking with the Emu musos and get to know them personally - heaps to learn from them! and also because we (me and some ppl in my church) have our own vision and project: of providing an Indonesian-biblical music ministry/resources, basically like Emu. Songwriting Indo songs ourselves would be a great way, but translating Emu songs is a great way and far easier way to start. Now that i’ve got permission from most of Emu songwriters to translate their songs, I’m so excited that we can start realising our dream!

That’s about Twist Conf generally from the previous years. But something is really different with Twist Away this year! I’d say Twist 08 was the best Twist, and Twist Away is also the best so far but from different aspects. The previous Twists had lots of different workshops that we can pick and choose: starting from biblical music ministry, contemporary piano, worship in church, copyright issues, songleading, PA, etc. It’s great in that we can learn different things at the same time, the disadvantage is it’s only 2 hours workshop and can’t learn in depth. It also had more fuller band and singers on the stage, so the music was great!

Having said that, great things about Twist Away are:

*Networking & fellowshipping with other musos from other churches. It’s really encouraging to see how they struggle in their own church’s music ministry, so not only my church is struggling, but basically everyone is! so great reminder to persevere You don’t get to know other ppl that much in previous Twists, but if you’re stuck with them for 2.5 days, you don’t get any choice :p

*have FUN! really fun! especially the jamming session - meeting with crazy people jamming crazy songs and taking crazy pictures!

*the opportunity to develop our skills further through the continuous Workshop. You chose either Play, Sing, Songwriting, or Support/Tech strand, then you get stuck in that strand for the whole conf. Good idea!

So by the end of the conf, we are already looking forward for next year’s!!

Can’t wait for Oct Twist Conf ‘09 and next year’s Twist Away! ;p

I am very very pleased with myself this weekend. I took lots of pictures at Twist Away - what an achievement!! HAHAHAHA. Although it’s not perfect - lots of blurry pics - and there are some other things that i want to capture but just forgot to take out my camera, at least it’s a good start. ^^ I’ll upload the pics soon in Facebook, including the blurry ones, just to show how bad i am at photography hahahaha.

If you were there and saw me taking lots of pics and thought i must’ve liked taking pics a lot, you’re wrong. On contrary, i used to hate taking pics. I just couldn’t be bothered. A lot of ppl brought their cameras (to a certain event) anyway, so why should i? We can share the pics later. Or i did bring my camera, but it’d just ended up unused in my bag.

But lately, i’ve been thinking a lot on the topic of Relationship/Evangelism as that’s sort of my theme for this year, and God has convicted me that eventhough all things in this world will fade away (including earthly marriages and our earthly bodies), only two things that will last forever till eternity: the very act of worship of God - having relationship with the God Trinity; and relationships with other Christians. And that heavenly activities of fellowship with other Christians is being reflected here on earth though not perfect yet. How cool is that! So it makes it very invaluable to start investing my time and energy in something worth till eternity: building relationship with other ppl in the hope of directing them to Jesus so that we can meet again in heaven.

So what does all this have to do with photography? Well, since our memory of something/ppl is really short and limited, i believe we can preserve those memories in the form of pictures. So that when we look back to the past, we can remember and give thanks for the invaluable moments of our life. Moreover, lately having experience my life (literally and figuratively speaking) being taken away, and now God has given that back to me for the second chance, I don’t want to waste more time and just want to make the most of my life with the ppl around me. And that to include start taking pics

It doesn’t mean that i will suddenly become interested in photography or become good at it - probably will never be hahaha who knows ^^;

Was wondering…
What is it that God is trying to teach me this time?
For everytime the Doggie came by
there’s some lessons to learn.
Though it was unpleasant and painful
to have to go through it first,
but later on when i looked back
I am thankful for the discipline.

After a while, now i do understand…

I was bright, smart and confident at work
I got the job relatively easier and faster
The job suits me very well
Made friends quickly with colleagues
My bosses are very pleased and complimented me a lot
So much that i got a pay rise after 3 months probation
Where it never happens to anyone ever before
Then i was also offered a promotion
to replace a colleague going on maternity leave
And we hire another guy to replace my current position.
Everything’s well planned,
and everyone’s excited about this.
Thank God, thank God
without his grace I wouldn’t be able to do that well.
It’s all because of his gifts.
To God be the glory.

Then of course,
along came the Doggie
He made me down all the time,
lose my concentration, unable to think clearly
unable to decide, made lots of mistakes
unmotivated, isolated, slow
headaches, can’t take too much things.
The promotion was cancelled,
they were really understanding and caring
but they still “got a business to run”.

I was shock,
numb and disappointed.
After a while, oh well…
It’s God who gives and takes away anyway
I never ask for it,
so i’ll be content if he takes it away,
blessed be the name of the Lord.

… or at least that’s what i thought.

Until a few weeks passed by,
i have to live and experience it first hand.
i’m not the person i once was anymore,
not the happy, jumpy Jess that people know
but tired, down, blank,
distracted, unmotivated and looked sick.
I became really slow in my work
The easy task became a real struggle.
My boss wasn’t very happy about it
he thought i was slacking off.
Then the new guy,
who was supposed to do my job,
starts to do some job that I was supposed to do…

Hey, that was what I’m supposed to be doing!
I should be able to do them all very easily!
Why?? Why can’t I anymore?!
If only the Doggie wasn’t there,
I would’ve been up there,
enjoying the opportunities open wide for me.
I became frustrated…
…frustrated that i can’t do the normal things anymore
…frustrated that i can’t perform as good as before
…frustrated of my own limited capability and capacity
…frustrated of my own helplessness.
I tried…
…tried to come back to normal
…pretending I can still do them all
…pretending that I AM ABLE!

But I am not…
My head was as heavy as stone
felt like 1000kg stone dropped on my brain
And without realising it,
i became discontent
of the situation God has put me in.
And without realising it,
I was destroying myself
going spiralling downward.

Until God by His grace
brought me down on my knees,
force me to admit
…that i can’t do them all anymore
…that i can’t change things the way i want
…that i’m not in control…
…that He is…
He was, is, and will always be.
That all i can do
…is just to accept things the way it is
…trusting God that he has his own plans
…and not trying to rebel anymore.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
…of peace, of comfort, of power
…of grace, of faithfulness.

After a long, long time
finally i can honestly, content-ly and humbly
join Matt Redman in singing,

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say:
LORD BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

You wouldn’t imagine what has happened to me in these last 2 weeks. Having to fight the dog is very hard in itself, let alone both the dog and physical sickness too. Ups and downs, highs and lows. God gives, God takes away.

Sun 24/5
I was on top of the world. After a very helpful session with my psychologist on the Thursday before, for the first time in my life i can see some light,  real hope that i don’t have to live in the past anymore. I felt my journey with depression was almost toward the end, just a little bit more. But i was proven wrong. At night, on a phone conversation with my dad, something triggered it back again. I knew it’s a trigger and i can identify the bad thoughts in my head. However, i was physically exhausted. The week before was full on, i had something on every night, and Saturday was just exhausting (EQUIP + Garage Hymnal day). Couldn’t sleep that nite. Day 1.

Mon & Tue 25-26/5
Therefore, i don’t have the energy to fight the trigger, and i dropped in free fall style, attacked by Doggie again in a few days after that, worst on Tue night.  (btw, i’ve decided to call my black dog Doggie hahaha it’s just easier to refer to him ^^). My boss said i looked down again, which is right. Moreover, i felt symptoms of flu, blocked nose & sore throat. Still couldn’t sleep quite badly. Day 2 & 3

Wed 27/5
So i called sick on the next morning, woke up with heavy head & body. Since it was still 7am and i can’t sleep again, i took some of comics from my roomate’s shelves and read it on bed. 2 hrs later, felt headache again, just wanna lying in my bed and not move, or rather, can’t move - hv no energy even to get up. However, i remember a picture from the book which i like very much - I Had A Black Dog: His Name is Depression by Matthew Johnstone. It says:

Black Dog is fat and lazy, he would far rather you lie in your bed and feel sorry for yourself. He hates exercise mostly because it makes you feel better. When you least feel like moving is when you should move the most. So go for a walk or run and leave the mutt behind.

With my very last energy, i finally got up and went for a swim. Which made me feel much better afterwards. Then i knew i need to relax, so i had lunch while reading comics - took me 1.5 hrs to do that, but i did enjoy it very much :). then had dinner at my bro’s place, charine cooked really nice hainan chicken rice + chicken wings + some other yummy stuffs ^^ By that time my flu was at its worst, felt my head was blocked and gonna explode. Since i couldn’t decide, my brother decided for me that i shouldn’t go to work the next day and i stayed over at their place. That was very nice of them Though i can sleep a bit that nite, but still not good enuf. Day 4.

Thu 28/5
Went to doctor straightaway that morning, she gave me prescription for antibiotics and told me to buy the flu day & night tablets. So i went to Priceline pharmacy downstairs, bought the antibiotics and Priceline-brand Cold & Flu Day & Night tablets. So i took my medicine, and that night i couldn’t sleep again. Woke up 1-2 times in the middle of the night, my brain felt sleepless. Day 5.

Fri 29/5
Went to work half dizzy because of lack of sleep. That day was my colleague’s last day before maternity leave, so our boss took us to a very nice Portuguese restaurant nearby. And that day, my manager who always says-the-wrong-thing-at-the-wrong-time, mentioned that a lot of people were concerned about me, what’s wrong with me, and i looked blank, distracted and didn’t know what to do in a negative way that looked like i’m slacking off, and he’s not very happy about that and i need to improve. I know it was because of Doggie, and usually i take criticism as positive feedback and i don’t really think much about it. But the timing was really bad. Wasn’t the most encouraging thing i’ve heard.
Anyway, at home felt really tired, i ended up sleeping from 6-9pm, did something else, took the Night flu tablet, tried to sleep at 11pm-ish and i couldn’t sleep again. Hmm i know this wasn’t because of Doggie, because it felt different. i think it’s because of the flu tablets. Day 6.

Sat 30/5
Went to badminton in the morning, music practice in arvo. At night i hesitated - should i take the Night tablets? It’d help my flu, but what if i couldn’t sleep again? In the end i did take the tablets because i desperately wanted to get rid of my flu. And i couldn’t sleep again. This time is worst, tried to sleep at 8pm, woke up 11pm and couldn’t sleep until probly 2:30am, while i need to be at church early for music. Day 7.

Sun 31/5
Very weak and tired from a week of sleepless nights, i still managed to songlead at church - put on happy face in front, but when i sat down just dropped down - head heavy and lethargy. Learned my lesson, will not do songleading/any music stuff anymore whenever the Doggie comes.
That arvo i went to the doctor again to ask about the flu tablets, and guess what she said?? “Oh you couldn’t sleep? so just don’t take the Night tablets. For some ppl it helps them to sleep, but for some others it’s the other way round. So just take the Day tablets and don’t take the night ones.” - blahh yeah right, say that in the beginning, it’s too late now! It was 4 days supply of medicine, and i already taken & couldn’t sleep for 3 days. It’s funny, never experience this before, now i’m scared to buy any other medicine, need to be careful next time.
Anyhow, eventho i didn’t take the Night tablets, still couldn’t sleep. Probably i’m used to being sleepless now that my body adapted to that. Day 8.

Mon 1/6
Weak & lethargy at work. How could i fight the Doggie if i didn’t get enough sleep, and that’s caused by the blah flu tablets?? My brain cells were dead. Can’t think. My work that i will usually do easily, now seems like a big stone rolled down on my head that i can’t push. I need to do an audit on another department, so i read the procedures, but i think that was a big mistake coz i force my brain too much that it caused me quite bad headache for the whole day. Even at night before i went to sleep, it was so severe that i was thinking of calling up my brother to take me to a doctor or even hospital. Then i remembered something - the day before, thank God i didn’t cancel meeting up with a sister in Christ, who reminded me to keep praying eventho we can’t or not up to it, just simple one or two sentences is enough. So in the midst of my pain and desperation, i just prayed,”God, please help me. Amen.” And he did! In that instant my headache just gone! gone. wow. thank God. really, i learn the power of prayer again - even that simple. I can’t thank God enough for that sister - for without her encouragement i wouldn’t make it.
Soooo that night, the first time for 8 days that i felt like forever, i slept. Slept like a baby, feel safe and warm in my Father’s hand.

Tue & Wed 2-3/6
Still feel mentally weak, i couldn’t think properly. However i kept forcing my brain - there’s some issue about work that i need to resolve myself, and i still used my brain to do some music stuffs - eventhough Frida has offered herself to replace me (thanks for that! :)), still to choose songs took up lots of energy. my brain felt like damaged and i think during this time i think i had a bit of memory loss. Trying to think what my feeling was and some stuffs about work before last week, and i couldn’t remember a thing. Or maybe physically and mentally i still tired and my brain was much much slower. Sleep getting better so that was good

Thu 4/6
Right after lunch, my stomach started to feel funny. It was quite painful, felt nauseous, like i want to throw up. Then, because i kept forcing my brain and couldn’t really relax, suddenly i was shivering and felt the Doggie was coming. He’s just right there in the corner, with his bare teeth waiting to attack. I can feel him. Quickly i grabbed my colleague to the changeroom, cried there and she encouraged me to keep fight it and not giving up to it. She said she’ll pray for me. It was quite hard, added by the stomachache. Went home after work dropped dead at my bed, i couldn’t move, from both the stomachache, headache and the signs of Doggie. Tried to force it down, couldn’t work. Then, finally, i vomitted my lunch. Up, up and up, and gone. Done. Finished. Gone. Right after that i feel better, although still a bit of stomachache left, i took my flatmate’s medicine, and then i feel much much better. The good thing is, i felt that the Doggie was also flushed down gone together with the remaining of my lunch. Gone. I couldn’t feel his presence anymore. Great. What a relief! Thank God! Nevertheless, for that night i just lying on my bed, decided not to do anything than reading comics and relaxing my brain and trying to sleep early.

Fri 5/6
Woke up with very minor headache, and that’s only because i was lying too much and sleeping too much. Which is good ^^ Today feel much better, i think i’m already in control again, can think more clearly, and my memory started to slowly but surely coming back again. Slowly enjoying back Sovereign Grace Music on my ipod - which is a good sign. My colleague was happy i was in for work, she said her prayer got answered. Another proof of the power of prayer
Now what i need to do is just to rest and relax. Both physically and mentally. I need to reserve my energy for this Monday’s Queen Bday Convention, and for next week’s Twist Away - yayy it’s next week!

*pheww that’s a long reading. If you’re reading this, congrats! you’ve made it to the end. thanks for that *